Track 12

Love With No Receiver

July 22, 2026

Something no one ever told me......that I didn’t quite get until I was staring down a second marriage collapse......is that 100% of divorces begin with marriage. And yeah, that’s kind of funny. But it’s 1,000% true.

I think there’s a nonchalant kind of attitude that maybe happens. And a lot of the women I’ve talked to, and a lot of the reading and research I’ve looked at, and a lot of the men certainly that I’ve talked to......and this is a generality......but we men tend to approach our relationships and marriages like a checkbox. Marriage......done......check. Like I married you, so the work is done. You’re my wife. Now I can relax and focus on other things in my life. And I think that is part of the marriage problem. ✱1

This is coming up because I finally got my separation papers from Betty. I’ve been pushing and asking for this. I was going to do it myself originally, but she had some concerns and whatnot and had a lawyer already......after her mom passed, she had to deal with family stuff. So there already was a lawyer in the loop on some things. So we agreed that she would do it.

As was often the case in our marriage, the pace of things happening didn’t quite match expectation. I’m quite quick-brained. There’s a book I was looking at recently called Thinking, Fast and Slow. And I think that’s part of the problem between us......she likes to take her time, to process things, and might take weeks to get back to me on something I wanted to deal with quickly. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just not a good match. And it never really was. And so I think it’s a reflection of what happened through the history of our marriage. We can’t even get divorced at the time we want.

I’m over here thinking; “if the decision is done, if you know that you don’t want this and it’s over......then there’s nothing to delay. Let’s just figure it out.” Money-wise, I don’t want anything. The only thing I really wanted was permission to write my book, write the memoir, get things out. Because that’s what I needed to heal. That’s what I’ve been doing to heal, and it’s been so fantastic. And I think it’s part of why I’m a little farther down the road......not that it’s a race on the healing......but I’ve been working at this every day since I started writing in my journal in January.

But really, I’ve been working at this every day since I got on a plane last year and got some distance from the relationship that was failing, and my emotions, and the person who said they were trying to love me. Not knowing what to do and watching all of that fall apart around me. It was hard, man. This stuff is hard.

All of that is the groundwork for a bigger conversation. The thing I’m struggling the most with is even now, even still after everything......Betty has read the book, and she still believes that I never loved her. And that’s a tough one for me, because everyone who knows us says they saw that I loved her. My dad certainly knew it. I certainly know it. My counsellor knows it. My sons know it.

I saw some friends recently who know both of us through time. They’ve known us for over a decade. When I told them what was going on, they were shocked. Last time I saw them I was with Betty down on the boardwalk. This time I’m alone. And his words were, “Man, I thought you guys were forever.” And I said, “Yeah. Me too.”

And that’s kind of the problem......circling back to above......I definitely was guilty of checkmark thinking. We were forever. Whatever problems were coming up, we’d get through it, because I was never going to quit our marriage. Even though there definitely were times where I doubted if we were going to make it. I know the marriage, as it was at one point, was over for a variety of reasons. But the one thing I also knew the entire time was that I did love her. And I personally believe love doesn’t die.

But do you ever have a chance, if you’re loving someone where the love never landed? I think the real problem is that maybe she doesn’t feel worthy of love by anyone. Maybe it didn’t even matter how much I was going to love her. It was never going to land. I covered that in a past article throwing love down a hole. And that’s a whole other conversation, because it really is tough, trying to love someone who doesn’t feel worthy of that love. Because I personally believe that you cannot receive what you don’t recognize.

So if you don’t love yourself and someone says, “I love you”......well, since you know yourself, and you must be right because it’s yourself, your experience and that can’t be wrong......then there must be something wrong with the person saying I love you. And I believe that’s part of my experience, and my marriage, and why she’s struggling now. She’s saying, “no, you never loved me.”

And now fast forward to one of my counselling sessions, and we had this discussion around: maybe that’s what she needs to heal. I’m going to be honest here. I hate that statement. I really do. I get it in a lot of things: that’s what they needed to heal, they need to believe that, they needed to hear that. That’s fine. But what if it’s two people? And what if it’s not true? And what if it’s a very hurtful statement to one of the people? That’s where this stuff gets hard.

I totally understand it would be a lot easier for her to get over this if she can just make herself believe that I never loved her. And if I never loved her, then she was simply duped. We just wasted our time. Then we can just turn the page like it never happened, and heal, and move on. Except in my heart, it’s not true. And in my heart, it hurts. And in that case, all that’s left to do is acceptance.

And I accepted it. I accepted the papers. I asked one more time, “Are you sure this is what you want to do?” And she kind of shook her head. I could feel the emotion, the nervous systems, spinning, reaching out to try to touch each other. I did give her a hug, and there were tears.

And I was talking to a friend about it, and it kind of felt like getting your hand into the bottom of the Costco-size peanut butter jar, scraping out the last of the peanut butter with a spoon. That’s kind of how I felt. I was scraping out the last of the love in the relationship. Because that’s what I have to do for my healing now, basically, remove the active ingredients in the love. I love her by myself, over here, in my heart. Send her peace. Acceptance. Stop trying to give her things she doesn’t want anymore. She doesn’t want to know about my life. She doesn’t want to share hers. She hasn’t been, for quite a while. She doesn’t want me to say things like I love you. How are you? And I’ve got to let those things go. And that’s the hard.

But that part IS what she needs to heal. She needs space. She needs time, perspective. And I’m happy, well, happy might not be the right word but I choose peace and I accept, and I give her those things.

But it’s a really tough one, to agree that what she needs to heal is that I never loved her in the first place. And I think I’m going to die on that mountain. I’m not going to move on that one. Because I accept where she’s at. But I will not accept that ever as a truth. Because it’s not.

And I have a hard time navigating life sometimes, just letting untruth be there in the space. Because it feels more like a personal offense. Integrity is one of my greatest values, and it just feels wrong. Because if I can love her and accept her and move on (and it’s got nothing to do with liking it because I don’t like it) then I guess I want her to get to that place too.

Because my belief is: if you have to do things after a breakup, like “well, they never loved me anyway”......then that feels more like you’re a victim and they are the perpetrator. And I don’t know if you get to true healing that way. I believe that would be easy healing. I believe it makes it easier to move on. But then what about the next time? What about the next time you try to have love and feel love? You’ve already got this agreement that you get duped and tricked easily, basically. So your body and your brain is going to get together and go, “No, no, no, no, no. Remember what happened last time?!” And you’re going to start nodding your head, “Yeah. I remember last time I tried to love someone and it turned out they never loved me in the first place. So I must be a dummy.” ✱2

And that’s where this stuff gets scary to me. Like, I don’t feel like a dummy because I tried to love my wife.

I have some regrets. Not in an unhealthy way. But I recognize that I had a lot of work to do. I had a lot of healing to do. I had traumas to unpack that I never knew about. And now that I’ve done all those things......in the space of new Jhöl, with a heart and a mind at full capacity, with healthy boundaries and habits. I think this guy could have repaired that relationship with enough work. I actually believe every relationship, short of violence or unhealthy things, with enough work, could be fixed, for lack of a better word.

It just comes down to: do you want to? Do you want to do the work? Do you want the accountability? Do you want the responsibility? And these are the words that nobody really thinks about as they’re dancing down the aisle, hand in hand, looking at each other’s eyes filled with hope and perfect futures and healthy children and a life of abundance. They don’t put that on the box.

It’s probably like the French side of the instructions that I never read when I buy something in Canada. It was there. I just didn’t bother to notice.

100% of divorces begin with marriage. And oh, by the way, the no-fun part of marriage is responsibility, accountability, putting your mate first in all things, considering them for the rest of your life. These are the necessary no-fun things that they don’t put on the box. It’s inside the box, packed up into a little folded pamphlet of stuff you’re supposed to do......things you’re supposed to learn. And if you are like I was? It probably reads like a foreign language. And if you don’t have it in you already, then you need to go outside of you and learn. Ask people. Ask someone smarter than you. Look at a couple that’s happy. Ask them, “Hey man, what are you doing?” I’ve done this. I have asked: Why is your marriage so great? What’s your favourite thing about your mate? How does that make you feel in the morning, waking up and seeing them?

And it’s kind of funny, because I think that might be it. That might be the litmus test to self check where a marriage is at. Where any relationship is at. When you wake up in the morning and you open your eyes and you wipe away the sleep......take a good look at them. What do you think? What do you feel?

I know what I felt the last year of my marriage. Nothing. And under that nothing was disappointment, was pain, was betrayal, was broken trust......just a general malaise of things I didn’t know how to fix. Dead hope and give up. And what I do now, what I should have done then, is get out of that bed and go to the mirror and ask myself: what am I not doing, that this is where I’m at?

Maybe the best way to never get to the question of “what do I need to heal” is: don’t look at other people for what you need. Look in that mirror every day and ask: am I doing my best? Do I actually know what’s going on here? Have I told them I love them today? Have I told them I appreciate them today? Have I said, “thank you for choosing to love me, and choosing our marriage and relationship every day?”

I know I didn’t do those things.

I guess I thought marriage was forever. Check. Even now, after I already accepted this and I’m six months into accepting that this thing is dead. I said it when I got home and found she had left: “You killed us. We’re done. There’s no coming back from this.” I knew it. My body knew it. My heart wasn’t ready to give up yet however, because hearts? well they’re kind of dumb and they’re filled with hope. Love doesn’t die. So the heart wasn’t going to give up. “Come on, big guy, we can fix this.”

And some things, when they break, I guess they can’t be fixed. But I still believe they can. But what I do know for sure with marriages is that it takes two people. One person can’t do it. And if that’s you? Know this you can’t do it on your own. But you are a hundred percent accountable, are a hundred percent responsible and you are a hundred percent capable of handling your part. And the job is simple: did you do your best?

The hardest part maybe is accepting that they’re going to do whatever they’re going to do. And at best you can help set the conditions of a forever marriage. But there isn’t such a thing without some work and unpacking that little pamphlet of no-fun things that you have to do, and getting really good at those things, so they’re not hard anymore, so that they’re not foreign.

You’re going to have to learn to teach yourself the French. Because I swear these things are hidden in a different language. And that’s how it feels. And if you’ve been through some things in life, love does start to feel like a language that you were never taught to speak properly.

And that’s how this really feels. I’ve learned the language. I’ve started to unpack the secrets. The little pamphlet is folded out and starting to flatten over time, over work, over daily “I love you”s in the mirror, over writing my heart out. Because really if I don’t love me fully and am showing up the best I can daily how can anyone else be expected to love me. I wouldn’t see it if they tried.

I’m not saying I’m perfect and have all the answers for everyone else’s relationship. Not even close. But I will say I understand my heart now, and its needs. I actually think I even understand now (with perspective and time) my soon to be ex-wife’s needs. And the truth is? I just want her to be happy. And I just want her to have a good life. And that’s all I ever wanted. And somehow I thought we would have that together. Looking back? We didn’t do our best. We didn’t do everything it would have taken to keep this thing going. We didn’t do everything that was needed to repair. Mostly I waited too long to get to work on the things that were in me to work on.

Somehow we forgot the two hopeful kids who were having fun at the beginning, and turned it into something that neither of us ever agreed to or wanted. And we’re left with hurts and doubts and a hollowing out of the relationship.

And I’m not writing this to be sad. I’m writing this as a warning. I’m writing this as a man who finally realized: 100% of divorces do indeed begin with marriage. And what also begins with marriage is the work of a marriage.

So if any of this is landing and any of this is you go take a look at the box. The container of your relationship, or your marriage. Put your hand in there. Dig deep. Find that little pamphlet. The one in the foreign language. Grab it. Unfold it today. And start learning to read that language.

Do the work. Get to work now. Today. No matter where you’re at.

And that’s the only chance any of us have.

Anyways cats that’s what I have cookin’ in my scene. Remember it’s your life and there’s always a choice to be had. If something isn’t groovy throw some chaos at it. Go play and see you on the flip side.

—Jhöl

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