Track 9

Up To No Good

June 15, 2026

Have you ever reflected back on yourself and saw a pattern for the first time?

Hard to do when you are in it, and by that, I mean in your life on the every day. As life tends to do sometimes things happen and depending on the force of those events we can get jarred right out of the path or pattern we were on......it is from that new place that we can then be free to look back and perhaps see our old selves and how we got where we were. That might be a bit heavy to start a short story but bear with me for a moment and grab your thinking cap.

I heard this thought last week and it is one of those things that drill into my head and I will turn over and over to fully grasp its meaning. Everything is a habit. Now stop for a minute. I want you to pretend that is an old wine I just poured. Trust me that thought needs a moment to breathe.

EVERYTHING IS A HABIT.

I am not one who believes that everything is a universal truth but there are some thoughts I do like to try on when I hear them and act as if they are. This is one of them. So, I went off into my week with this nugget lodged at the back of my brain. Everything is a habit. Said another way it’s a pattern. When I am happy? Pattern. When I get frustrated? Pattern. Doing things good for me? Habit. Stopping the good things when they start working? Yup you guessed it......habit. And on it went. So let me get into the short here and hopefully this will land for you in the way that concept hit me.

I had an amazing week last week by all accounts. I got my not-for-profit stuff sorted. I filed all the paperwork. I set everything up, got the incorporation papers done. Now I’m just getting everything signed. I went down to the bank to start the process of setting up the charity bank account, got all my numbers and everything with the government, and I had to learn to do all of that, and I did. I have a publisher reading my memoir. And I’m making all this traction with all of this new to me work.

I’ve even cleaned up with my soon to be ex-wife. At least we’re talking, she’s hearing me, she’s seeing me who I am now six months later after the day she left. I’m not the same guy and I don’t need her to see that, but she is seeing it and that matters a lot to me. It’s hard you know when you’ve got a past with someone to see them changing, and I’ve given this a lot of thought lately about patterns and seeing a change as it happens or when it happens.

It’s possible the hardest change to see is your own.

Especially if the pattern is old and strong. Even more so if your patterns were formed like mine to survive something in your past.

And here’s what happened. My youngest son, who I was estranged from, hadn’t seen him in 14 years, I tried reconciling via the phone three years ago. And the first call went well. Next day, the second call, he was driving, so he pulled over and was angry, really angry, and deservedly so. I told him, “I can hear whatever you have to say son, you tell me whatever’s in your heart, I’ll take it.” And he, well he took the opportunity. He launched, 23 years worth of bombs, right at me. Big ones. And the last thing he said was, “you’re too late! You had one job. Stay and be my dad, and you chose to leave and be selfish. I don’t need you. I grew up without you. I don’t need you now. Who I am is because of me, has nothing to do with you.” He gave me the you’re dead to me treatment and sent me on my way. I heard him and it really hurt. Now I know that he didn’t say it to hurt me. He was saying it from the hurt I had caused a five-year-old boy when I left and he couldn’t make sense of that. And he had to grow up without his dad wondering, you know, why I left, why he wasn’t good enough. Whatever a five-year-old boy might make up. And I really did get present to all of that hurt. I thanked him for being honest. I didn’t fire back. Said, “I am here if you are ever ready” and hung up the phone.

Now this is not a pity me request. I’m not writing this for sympathy. It is for context and because I have chosen a life now of turning my heart inside out in the hopes that other struggling fathers out there might learn from my errors. I caused my son that pain and that sucked. It really hurt. And I understood and I forgave him on the spot and I let it go. But I listened to what else he said and gave that agreement. That was where I dropped the ball.

I’m too late.

For a while I gave up. Took the easy-ish way out and said, “well I tried nothing I can do now.” The thing is from where I am today, I can look back and see that was part of a pattern. A habit. Here is the thing with our habits/patterns......WE GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT. Everyone of them. I did not want to give up on a relationship with my son. I also at the time still did not have the tools or capacity to handle any more hurt by the situation either.

What I got out of the habit there of giving up when it started to hurt was not really the result I wanted BUT I did get to avoid further pain on a nervous system that was already red lining for years. So I did what I always did for most of my life. Packed it away, numbed my heart. Internalized everything and faded away a little more.

As these things do of course that pain has to come bleeding out at some point. Six months after it was Christmas and I broke my pattern a bit and called my first wife. The mother of my sons. She did not answer or respond, she never does. I honestly wouldn’t find out if she even got the message for 2 more years.

Fast forward to last year, and I get a text on my phone, “Dad, I’m ready for that beer.” And it’s a different experience completely. I was a few months into my daily practice of reading and learning and working on myself. I was humbled by the tragic loss of my best friend months before. My marriage was falling apart around me. My father’s health failing. Dad staring down never coming home from the hospital. Life was really life-ing and then I get this message of hope. And so we sat down, “listen son, I don’t know how to do this, but you tell me you want me in your life, and we’ll figure it out and I’m not missing any more time with you. We’ll meet up at least once a month. Work on our relationship and build what we always should have had.”

Turns out his mom did get my message. I do not remember everything I said but it was something in the world of look we are still the parents of these boys. One is here on the west coast with me and one is there with you. There is no reason that we shouldn’t be able to talk once a year and see what we can do for the boys and talk about what is needed. My son would tell me that she said to him, “it sounds like your dad has changed and you should know him.”

The meetups haven’t been as regular as I would like, but the intention is there. We’ve been communicating regularly for the first time since I lived with him, which has been amazing. And a lot of that has been him communicating with me in a way that he’s comfortable and feels safe......through his music. It started with an offer to hear his latest set on SoundCloud. I have now listened to every one of them! I put them on when I want to feel connected to him. The truth is I would listen to him even if he wasn’t my son because he’s a really good DJ. It’s been amazing.

Then this past weekend after my already awesome week, another text, “hey, I got a gig at this Italian restaurant, um, here’s the place.”

Me, “is that an invite?!”

He’s like, “yeah man.”

And I got to go for the first time, watch my son do a live set, and it was just so amazing, you know, to come full circle. I have this awesome picture with my son now, just smiling, doing his thing. And I couldn’t be prouder of him. And he let me in on that moment. It was pure joy. I felt so healed. Then I went for the bonus round, he let me give him a ride home after. Showed me his apartment and the life he’s settling into here in the city. And it was all just so beautiful.

Then it’s time to go. He’s got plans. I mean, I wanted to just hang out with him the rest of the night. But he’s a 28-year-old man in a city and he’s got plans on the weekend. He doesn’t need his dad hanging around. I made my way to the door to head home. We hug. I say, “I love you” and then he said something that I am not even sure he is connected to in its full meaning.

He said, “I love you Pops.”

The nickname I had for my dad who just passed away last year.

Family legacy of healing coming full circle in two words and a hug.

Then I’m home with all of it. Sitting on this high. Alone. I had a really good week. I really did. Now it ends with that beautiful piece only a few years ago I never imagined possible......and I am......alone.

I got a little restless to say the least. My old pattern started yapping, “this is too good, this isn’t safe, something bad’s going to happen, you’re being too good, you’ve grown too far, you should do something bad to shrink yourself or be less than. You need to kill some of these good feelings, so we have something familiar to connect to.” That’s what it felt like was happening.

I went down the rabbit hole of feeling alone. That’s kind of the sad part, is I’ve just had all these amazing wins, but I still haven’t rebuilt a local friend group. I’ve got an amazing friend in New Brunswick, I’ve got an amazing friend in Saskatchewan, I’ve got a good, good friend of almost two decades in Nanaimo. Yet I don’t have anyone around to say, “hey I need a hug.” I need to be seen by human eyes that aren’t on a Zoom and share a laugh with someone who’s actually in the room.

So I went to the only place a lonely guy might go on a Saturday night. I went to see the oracles. AKA the local strip club. The women there feed off, I think, lonely guys like me. It’s a contractual thing, I think it’s understood. They put on a song and a dance and pretend for five minutes that they’re your girlfriend. And for five minutes you forget that you’re alone. ✱1

This night one of the dancers Cinnamon......bless her heart......jumped right into my arms and on my lap. Then gave me a long hug and started cuddling me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because my body, my soul is missing human connection. It’s missing being felt. It’s missing being hugged. It’s missing someone saying nice things to me, whispering in my ear. And she did whisper in my ear. What did she say? “You smell so good.” And I do smell good. I got this lovely coconut hair curl cream. I wanted someone to be close. I needed it and was prepared if it happened. I didn’t have the smell of sweat from a workday like some of the fellas. But I think I had the smell of a different kind that day.

I was happy man. Happiest I have been in years. True pure joy......and alone.

Yup......thanks River.

So where was I? Right, there I am, just had this really amazing week and topped off by seeing my son DJ and invited into his life a bit further. It was just so good, so humbling. And then being compelled to leave my apartment. Instead of sitting in all of that and taking the win? I get this, “no, no, alert, alert. This is too good. Something bad is going to happen here. We need to be less than. We need some negative thoughts in the brain, so we feel normal.” That’s where I went. That is my old pattern. ✱2

I do not deserve good things.

Next day I’m sitting outside on a bench, realizing I’m feeling isolated, alone. Then reminded myself that I’ve got things in place for this. I’ve got friends. So I get on a Zoom call with my good friend out in Saskatchewan. We have this vulnerable and honest conversation. And sure enough, he’s caught in the same boat. He’s got his daily routine. He does a lot of community volunteering. He’s got a part-time job that keeps him busy. He’s got family around him. He can take a drive in any direction and within a few hours be with sisters, his son or grandkids, and that works. Yet on the immediate day-to-day, there’s still this kind of missing.

We’re talking, and it wasn’t two lonely guys being horny thinking we need accompaniment for sex. It wasn’t about that at all. It was about actually being seen by a woman, being intimate, having that soft conversation. Both of us noted the desire and need for a hug, just the soft, loving touch of a woman. That’s what we were missing. That’s definitely what I’ve been missing.

After the call I started wondering, is this a normal thing? Is this what a guy who has been through some stuff becomes? You get through it, grow and change your mindset. You put guardrails and habits in place to keep you from going to a lonely, dark place. All of that, only for the brain, even the body, to kind of suck you back into the familiar from your past, even though maybe it’s not a good thing? Is there something to it where men, after a loss of some sort, will just try to find comfort in a stranger? Are we just not built to manage our own feelings?

But here’s the thing, I don’t think I’ve ever been this guy before, where I could identify my feelings, choose to do something with them, not be compelled, to pile a bunch of poor choices on top of the feelings just to mute it. And yet everything I’ve learned and what I know, I still have this need, no, urge inside, the human animal, the need to be held, to be seen, to be known, to just have some banter and to be in the presence of a woman. A feeling as old as my memory......lonely.

The mission for the bigger part of my life now is to lower the suicide rate on the planet. The work is to create these brunches, the rooms for men, for guys like me who’ve for one reason or another ended up feeling isolated. Whether it’s a retired guy who only ever had friends that he worked with. That’s who he was for let’s say 30 years, and now he’s retired. Facing who is he now? For guys like me who lose a close friend to death. Fact is the older we get the more likely it is we’re going to lose people. Nobody gets out alive. It’s either you go first or they go first. And that’s not a defeatist mindset; it’s just an acceptance of what’s coming. So then what do you do? How do you prepare? How do you fill your life with friends? It gets harder as you get older as a man. ✱3 Women tend to thrive and report feeling happier as they age. Us men? Less so. ✱4

And then you’ve got this pattern thing, something working against you. Trying to suck you back to old ways because you haven’t built something through time, long enough I guess in my case, that the body can trust. Like it says, “no, no, we know what to do here, we’re going to do this.” So while I spent more than a year now working on my new habits and my daily routine, I got 50 other years of a habit trying to heal an old wound from childhood. In my case, abandonment and abuse from parents, emotionally unavailable for my needs, and I didn’t have that safe place.

I found that in my sister, and then I lost her.

I think I’ve collapsed, meeting my emotional needs for a long time with women. So if I’m left alone too long, my body just starts up. “Hey, something’s off. Something’s not good. We’re not safe.” That is the full arc of my life pattern.

And the irony is, I know I’ve healed this wound. I can see the pattern. I can feel it. I can almost hear the voice in my head. And I’ve never been this guy to be able to kind of manage it, you know, like the observer of my own experience to go, okay, here’s what’s going on.

But as strong as my mind can be? The body keeps the score.

And the neck turns the head as they say.

So to go back to the oracles for a moment, while I was there, one of the dancers had questions. “Like, what are YOU doing in here?” I have admittedly been in there a few times now. Sometimes after writing for instance or working away on my computer all day. I think just to have some human accompaniment, to not be alone. Often, it’s late and maybe it’s just a distraction before bed to not sit with the thought of, I am going to bed alone one more time.

I have always wanted to be with a partner, I always wanted someone to be there, and I thought I had my person and now I don’t. Going back to the ‘everything is a habit’ concept, what if this is not what I want at all? What if my desire to find a life partner was only born out of a survival need as a kid who needed to feel safe?

Here’s the thing, and this really turned my head inside out, what if every woman I have ever chose I never chose? My habit/pattern has made every choice based out of survival. As soon as the feeling or need of safety not alone subsided then my attraction to the women I have been with would fade. Then I started doing some digging and sure enough this may be the most common thing men do to confuse and frustrate women who have no idea. It is not that the initial feelings of love don’t feel real, they do, it is that they are fed from the wrong machine. Little boy me just still needing the comfort from my mommy? For fifty years?! Yikes!

I don’t think many of those dancers started out knowing they’d signed up for half nekkid therapy, but that’s part of what it is. I have my counsellor on Tuesdays, so I haven’t yet burdened the poor things with an answer as to why I go. They admittedly get frustrated because it isn’t about having dances. How do you explain to a stranger that your dad died, your best friend killed himself, your wife left you and all your friends that you thought you had gone with her. All of that in the same year? I am on the comeback, I am. I just haven’t found a way yet to rebuild the friends locally. Thus, the odd visit to the oracles.

Truth is I’m learning I can totally do life alone in a lot of ways. I’m actually happier by most measures. Some might argue I’m better suited to do this alone. Except I believe life is meant to be shared. I think with humans, it’s meant to be shared in an intimate way. And the messaging in my brain is still kind of old school, I guess. You need to be in a relationship to get that need met. And in some ways, I probably do.

The question becomes then, “what else can I do?” What are the other ways to connect and be seen and known, to find my tribe, to not be isolated? Then I look at my recent pattern and what’s been working. Compare that to how I was feeling that Saturday and sure enough I had missed yoga for three days in a row. And once again, that seems to be the magic number for me. If I miss three days of yoga my body starts feeling a certain way and it always seems to lead back to some form of a little lonely. Going to the yoga mat for me gives me that grounded sense of connection, I’m in a space with like-minded individuals, they know my name, I’m welcome at the yoga studio, they thank me for my energy and my presence. It is connection. ✱1 It’s not the same as a hug, but it is still an intimate experience.

And it’s a funny thing, life, it’s all made up really. If our world is created by our words, and humans made up language, then literally what we say is how it is. But only for us, and that’s the key. Perception equals reality, and it’s up to me to call mine what I want. And sometimes that means just identifying the emotions. Like, I am having a feeling. I’m having a feeling of lonely is very different than I am all alone. And it’s a matter of just looking at the patterns and the habits that I’ve put in place that do work. What got missed lately? “Oh hey, look at that, you’re always happier and don’t feel lonely when you do yoga. Hey dum-dum, go to yoga tonight.” And that’s what I’m going to do.

On top of that, it was, “hey dum-dum, you’re missing a human, so why don’t you call a friend and do something, help them, give them something that they need?” So that’s what else I did. Set a Zoom appointment to help Ray with something he was struggling with. I just learned how to set up a not-for-profit incorporation in Canada and now I have that knowledge. He’s trying to set up his own charity organization and I know how to walk him through it. So we just did an hour Zoom call where I was able to create, using AI, a step-by-step document to walk him through everything he needs to gather to be set up. And then, “I got you, man. Get this information and call me when you have it. And I can walk you through online, step-by-step, how to set it up next week.”

And suddenly, I feel better. I don’t feel lonely. I feel connected. And that’s the secret sauce. You have to pay attention to and honour your true feelings. We’re not going to be just happy, happy, joy, joy a hundred percent of the time. Maybe there is a Buddhist monk up a mountain somewhere who’s hit that place of absolute acceptance. I am not there yet but I am comfortable being in the moment I’m in. Being present to the feelings I’m having, and then saying, “hey, let’s have a meeting of the board here and see what’s going on. Let’s steer this the direction we want it to go while also still honouring where I’m at and what my body needs.” Sometimes it is just more closure and healing on something.

As they say, “if you can feel it then you can reveal it.” And well if I can do that then I can heal it. Give that situation peace then move towards the habits I am choosing now.

All that knowledge. All of the work I have been putting in to transform my life. Living on purpose. Yet? still struggling with a feeling I do not want. All of that? Just a habit?

Ok thanks guys. I will keep working away at it. Keep working on me and the mission and big picture. At least one of the guys in my head is still arguing however......damn it, I still need a hug! Free hugs over here! Anyone??

Anyways cats that’s what I have cookin’ in my scene. Remember it’s your life and there’s always a choice to be had. If something isn’t groovy throw some chaos at it. Go play and see you on the flip side.

—Jhöl

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