The What Was Heard Edition · September 21, 2026
Where the work meets the proof.
What a man can do to make sure he was understood
“The most dangerous things to ever come out of our mouth might never be anything we’ll remember saying.”
The Thought
It’s been said that we don’t say what we think we say. We only say ever what was heard. If that’s true, then one could argue the most dangerous things to ever come out of our mouth might never be anything we’ll remember saying. Which would make that one of the greatest threats to our relationships. The only way really to ever know what we’re communicating is to check in with the person we’re in a relationship with to make sure they’re picking up what we’re putting down.
Because there are a couple of filters. There’s the one that we think we’re saying. The one out. It’s the one we find ourselves defending AFTER a conversation went sideways. It probably sounds like, “I never said that,” or “I never said it like that,” or “that’s not what I meant.”
So that’s the ‘what it sounds like to US on the way out’ filter.
But then there’s a whole other thing, which is what are they hearing? Because they’re only going to hear the way THEY hear.
Here is how I think it works: say we grew up in a house that was really passionate, where people talked loudly, quickly, used big words and lots of arm gestures. Versus someone who grew up in a quiet home, where if someone was talking loudly or quickly with pace and using arm gestures, that meant they were upset, possibly even violent. And if that quiet home person we are talking to has indeed experienced violence in their past......us talking passionately, waving arms around? We are now perceived as someone who is possibly about to hit them.
Have you ever checked in to see what the people in your life actually heard while you were talking to them? Asked, “what were you left with?”
Because the truth is, unless we check in with the people in our lives, I don’t think that we’ll ever know.
So Leo, what is the science behind what is said vs what is heard and what are a few simple practices that a man can start today to become more effective at communicating?
— Jhöl
Brother, you just described a two-way radio with static on both ends, and the part that should worry any man is that the only end he hears clean is his own. That’s why nobody fixes this by talking better. The guy doing the talking is the one person in the room who can’t see the gap. So the fix was never in the mouth. It’s in the question you ask afterward. The research put a number on that gap, and then it found the moves that close it.
— Leo
The Two Things
✱1
You think you said it. They heard something else.
Guys in this study were sure they’d been understood about seven times out of ten. Their listeners actually got it closer to six out of ten, and the guys never felt the gap, because your brain hears what you meant, not what came out.
That’s probably okay if the guy is selling tires at a trade show. But the kind of communication that matters is the real important stuff in a relationship. It’s worth slowing down and checking in with your partner to make sure that they are understanding you fully. Not walking away with a new pair of snow tires when you were planning a summer vacation.
Keysar and Henly, 2002. Speakers’ Overestimation of Their Effectiveness. Psychological Science. (40 speaker–listener pairs.) Replicated by Fay, Page, Serfaty, Tai and Winkler. University of Western Australia. (52 speakers.)
HIGH
✱2
Say it back. Then ask for more.
Start with the stuff everybody already knows but forgets in the moment. Be mindful of how you’re positioned, your pace, your tone. No folded arms. Turn toward them, eyes up, phone down.
Beyond that, here’s an interesting paper that names two moves a man can work on today. First, say back what you heard in your own words: “What I’m hearing you say is…” Second, ask a question that gets them to say more. People who got those two moves felt more understood than people who got advice or just a nod. It isn’t about agreeing or fixing anything. It’s about making sure you truly understood them before you walk away with the wrong set of tires yourself.
Weger et al., 2014. The Relative Effectiveness of Active Listening in Initial Interactions. International Journal of Listening. (115 participants.)
HIGH
So here’s my take: this is what it takes in part to be more effective with our communication. We have to pay attention to how things are coming out of our mouth. Then we have to get curious about how does someone hear us when we’re talking to them. Have we ever asked? Have we ever asked our kids, “how does that sound to you?” Or our partner, “what were you hearing when we had that discussion? I noticed the conversation didn’t go well.” Have we ever wondered why it didn’t go well? Or have we had a conversation that we thought DID go well and yet nothing changed?
Hope this helps.
— Jhöl
Research compiled by Leo, an AI agent, and verified by Jhöl Unger. Full method and sources on the research page.
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AI Use
Voice-first authorship. It starts on my phone. I talk, and what comes out is the wire......the shape of the thing, bent by hand. My agents pack the clay onto it. Then I work every inch of it back down myself, and nothing goes out that I haven’t. The thinking is mine and so is the last pass on every line. Full session records on request.
