What it costs when the phone gets the best seat at the table

I was sitting on a sunny patio yesterday with a friend having a beer. It’s one of my favourite spots along the boardwalk, watching people walk along with their dogs and kids. And my friend started venting about how frustrated he feels that everybody’s either sitting or walking around staring at their cell phone.

I read a lot of things about how couples can connect better and how to put phones away when you’re with people. It used to be the polite thing to do, and now somehow there’s a lot of agreement that it’s okay and normal to sit there with other humans just staring and texting on your phone.

One thing I happened across lately was called phubbing, sitting there with someone and being on your phone the whole time. It is a new kind of terminology, and to me the fact that we have to come up with these new sayings and explanations for human behaviour is alarming in itself.

Never mind it’s probably shrinking our brains as we grow up phone in hand. And now instead of looking up, walking around, staring at life with big wide eyes, we’re learning to stare at a screen and live life on a three inch by six inch surface instead of how big the world and life really is.

And while we were talking, it hit us that we both grew up being constantly told “watch where you’re going.” Now it’s heads down and thumbs going. It’s even leading to an increase in a stat which is basically death by not paying attention while walking. Get hit by a taxi stepping off a curb checking your Facebook. Now, when we were kids, watch where we were going was just a thing. Everyone did it. And now people are walking around watching their cell phones with divided attention.

“Watch where you’re going” has been replaced with “did you get my text?”

And those dogs walking by on the boardwalk, even they’re paying for it. We used to walk around full stride, no phone. The dogs all seem to be kind of heavier, and most of the people are walking slower because they’re staring at their phone, and they keep stopping to text. I’ve had a hunch that even pets are feeling the impact of the cell phone. That’s one I hadn’t fact-checked until this article. (See Spot Run below)

And maybe the most damning thing of all, no sooner had we wrapped up this discussion than a couple sat down at a table not far from us, same beautiful sunny spot. The first thing they both did? Before they even got comfortable, they put their phones right there on the table in front of them. Then they settled in, each ordered a glass of wine, and clicked away. The phone has become the priority. So yeah, they were sitting right beside each other, in each other’s company, but neither one was really available. Two screens, no talking. And that to me is the greatest, scariest thing about cell phones.

Later that night I was talking to a friend and I didn’t even have my cell phone on me. She kept going back to her phone while we were talking. She did keep saying “sorry, I just have to do this”......but then she kept doing it. She finally noticed I hadn’t touched my phone and was in shock when I revealed I didn’t even have it on me. I simply told her I’m already talking to the only person I want to talk to right now. I’m with you.

Her brain’s logical defence was, “but what if there’s an emergency?” And there it was......probably the greatest lie we are telling ourselves about phone use. Having a device that would be useful in case of an emergency has become permission to let it have a good chunk of your attention 24/7. I simply asked her, how do you think we managed before phones? She hadn’t even considered it. Why would she? She’s 24 years younger than me. The only cell phone I ever saw growing up was Don Johnson’s in his Ferrari, that big ugly brick thing on Miami Vice. Sure enough, I got home later, my home didn’t burn down, my son was quietly playing a game in his room, and nobody died.

And this isn’t me shaming people, saying, “Hey, do it my way. You’re wrong.” My hope is this just lands as an awareness piece and leaves a reader with things to think about. Hopefully people pay more attention to how much time they are spending on their phone and consider that there’s a cost in relationships when we do that.

So Leo, is there research on what happens to a relationship when one of us is always on the phone?

Here’s how I live it. When I’m with a friend, once we get where we’re going, my phone goes in my pocket and stays there. I’m there to be with a person. I’ve literally walked away from a date within 10 minutes, because if you can’t get off your phone, no, thank you. This just isn’t going to work.

I want someone’s attention when I’m with them, and I don’t mean the needy kind. I mean my time’s important. Everyone’s time is important. I think it’s the most valuable thing we have, and I don’t want to be sharing mine with Instagram and Facebook.

The next time you’re out with friends, on a date, or with your partner, just pay attention. Notice how much of your full attention you’re actually giving them. Looking at them. Seeing their little nuances. Remembering how pretty or handsome they are, the way their hair is today, the way they dimple when they smile. Those are the things we used to notice as humans, and now it’s become “did you see my latest post?” It’s not a hunch anymore. Living a divided life with your attention costs you, and it costs the person sitting right across from you.

Don’t take my word for it. Make it a challenge and talk it over with a friend. Phones stay in the pocket or purse, and the first one to grab theirs buys the coffee.